The dream is still alive. I hesitate to call it a dream, because honestly, it’s a necessity. New York is still where I have to be.

You see, I’m about $65,000 in debt for my education. Never having the opportunity to just be a student, I also worked myself to the edge of insanity and poor health to get the skills needed for the career I want in publishing. Where else but New York?

I haven’t given up, and there are always plenty of prospects. I have applied for quite a few, but not nearly enough. It’s not easy applying for positions in publishing, particularly editorial jobs, because everything must be pure perfection. (Hello? Editorial!?) Add to that the fact that most companies have intricate application processes (with some even including grammar tests), and I’m often looking at a three to four hour process for EACH position. It would be easy to assume that they simply want to hire someone who really doesn’t have enough work to do already, but I fully understand most of the difficulties placed on applicants.

At any rate, working full-time and trying to stay healthy and sane tend to keep me from applying for half the positions I want. Part-time work on the side just to keep my skills and creative drive up-to-date sometimes makes the percentage even lower. It’s just how life is—and for me, how life has always been.

It’s easy to see why some people see life—at least improving life—as hopeless. Luckily I’m the type that always sees some hope in every situation, or I’d be a nuthouse by now. (And even then, Direct Student Loans would be calling for a payment.)

But I’m still coming, New York. Eventually. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I feel like I’m already there.

Inspiration:

Empire State Of Mind [Jay-Z + Alicia Keys] (Explicit)

I pride myself on having no regrets or resentments in life. Every single thing that has ever happened to each of us makes us who we are today. If you’re truly happy with that person, then every struggle and every joy was well worth it. And I am mostly happy with who I am.

But this doesn’t mean I don’t miss a few opportunities I once had.

When I was a kid, I pretty much ruled my world. Everything was there for me to see, and there seemed to be few limits! I’m not saying everything was handed to me—quite the contrary.  It’s more that I was sort of thrown to the world with a “Here it is! Go get it! (Or don’t, but that’s up to you.)” Maybe it was the timing of being the youngest for 12 years, but I seemed to have gotten a bigger dose of that than my siblings.

That attitude is how I ended up 1200 miles away from my hometown. It’s why I’m at ease in New York City or hiking up the side of a (small) mountain. But no, I’m not a big risk-taker and we took very few vacations growing up. It’s just that life always felt like an adventure of some sort.

But adult life takes away something. It partially blocks our access to dreams, change, and straying from some seemingly prescribed path.  I still want the world to be mine—to explore and document with photos, stories, and memories. This longing is why I’m mentally suffering at a good, stable job—because it holds be back from life’s adventure while not taking advantage of my passions and talents. It’s almost insufferable without any real suffering. I’m thankful, but I still yearn.

It’s possible this yearning is part of some “gypsy gene” inherited from my father. What I’ll always remember most about him is that he seemed to suffer inside, longing for some unmentioned adventure or change. He never expressed the root of his inner torment, but he surely let us know it was there. (We never lived in any house for very long, and he seemed to change jobs a lot—not usually his choice though.)  I certainly relate to that part of him now, though I express it very differently. (I don’t use beer to cope, and I don’t keep my mouth shut either. Maybe I got that from my mother!)

That next adventure is still coming—even if it’s harder to reach with each passing day. I have to believe. I still have to rule my world.